life update?

Hi, future self.

It’s the 22nd of June, year 2018. It’s the last year of university, the first semester. I just submitted my proposed research paper for the call of proposals. Since you’re from the future, you obviously know whether I get in or not. I hope I get in. Not because of the glory of representing the region, but to be really honest, it’d be nice not to worry about spending a single penny over my thesis. It hasn’t even formally started yet and I’m broke.

I bought Steven a new collar today. I think he kinda likes it. He hasn’t shown any signs of protest and it’s been a solid two hours. I consider that today’s new victory. Sometimes I worry he hates me. But then I’ll take a shower and when I get out, I notice he’s been standing beside the doorway the entire time waiting for me. I can feel he’s a little miserable, though. I think anyone living here would be.

I’m a little sad today. I’m a little angry too. I’m writing because I don’t have the time to feel like this. I need to be as focused as I was this week. I’m doing this for you. I’m doing this so when you read this someday, you’ll be in a place where I want you to be. Frankly, just away from here. Ideally, in that little apartment in that big city, studying in that med school you’d lose an arm to get in to, coming home to your little brother and Steven, and holding her hand throughout the day.

We’ll get there. If you’re already there, I am happy. I know you are too. What’s that like?

I can’t wait to know.

G. HUANG

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dear steven,

Dear Steven,

Today is the second time I went home without hearing you meow at the door while I try to get the lock open. It’s a little weird seeing my jeans clean without any of your hairs sticking in. I’m sitting on the floor right now. At your favorite spot. And I really wish you were here today. Today was very hard, buddy. I had to spend twelve hours with the very people you kept me sane from. I promise I am trying not to cry every minute that I realize you aren’t jumping on the desk to look out at the window. But it’s really hard not to.

I miss you. I hope your adventures today were more promising than mine. I am trying, Steven. I am trying to do this without your paw on my hand. So you try your best to come soon too okay?

Your salmon dinner and I will wait every second. I promise.

I love you.

G. HUANG

red skies

You pierce through my chest and I don’t bleed red. I don’t bleed at all. There must be something about your fists, something about the corners of your heart, something about those ribs. But you were never looking at me. It was always someone across the street, someone else you have yet to meet. Sooner or later, the curtains were going down. But you give this tired soul a home. I may have stumbled all over your front porch but I stumbled all the same in the only place where I don’t bleed. Not even a little. Not at all.

That was the problem. I should have bled. But why didn’t I? Why couldn’t I?

G. HUANG

happy pride month!

It’s finally the time of the year where we are continuously reminded that love is love is love is love. This month, we celebrate all kinds of love, but most importantly, we celebrate the kind of love that fights no matter the bigotry, no matter the discrimination.

So hello, nice to meet you. This isn’t your coming-of-age, Cinderella story. I am just a girl turning twenty in a couple of months and I have never been more happy to tell you, dear reader, that I am proud to love like this. Nearly every piece I write that’s filled with nothing but love is because there is a girl who always gives my words a home.

The world can bury me with fiery disgust, and it still wouldn’t change how my heart beats without choice. By far, it is still one of the dumbest arguments I’ve ever heard. If even you could call it that. If it were you, why would you choose to be a minority? What is there to gain where you are deemed inappropriate for children to see? When holding hands under a table already makes you quell with fear? Who would choose to get humiliated, abused, shot 49 times, left to bleed? No one. It is not a choice. It is who I am, who I will be tomorrow. It is who I will always be.

So here’s to us. Here’s to pride. Here’s to every letter, not one meaning less. Here’s to boys kissing boys, girls kissing girls, and everyone in between who doesn’t want to kiss anyone at all. Here’s to the ones we’ve lost along the way. Here’s to the ones who made it all possible today.

Here’s to you. If you’re still shaking in fear, if you’re still praying for it to go away, if you’re still hiding, if you still don’t understand, it’s okay. If you still haven’t told anyone, it’s okay. If the only person who knows is yourself, it’s okay. I see you. I do. This one’s for you, too.

And here’s to you, my love. For being my word’s only place to rest. For the hushed whispers of I love you’s. For the quiet hum of your name tucked in between the spaces I take a breath. For the way your eyes soften against mine. For the way you give my bones solace. For the times I had to let go of your hand. For the times in the future where I won’t need to. For the many ways we have loved, for the many ways we will continue to love. You are the very answer to every conundrum of love, of life, of this. You are warmth in the middle of December, you are spring all year round, you are the rise and fall of the waves, of my chest, of my heart. And I love you, Imee Stephanie. I love you with every inch of me that is capable of love. I promise you, they cannot take it away from me. I promise you. 

G. HUANG, bisexual and tremendously proud to love. 

 

 

let there be

When he said let there be light, I think he meant you. For you are so much more than the sun could ever offer. For it was always meant to be this bright but the closest star to the earth was never a ball of fire, waiting to explode. For it was you. For it is you. For when you were made, I doubt it was just clay. For you only have to stand there and smile, and all of the sudden, you create gravity on the corners of your lips. For one by one, they fell. For I fell. For you are the rhythm of every gush of wind, every gravel that reaches the peak of the highest mountain. For you are the taste of the sea, the only blinking light. For I have walked this far for you and me. For you are the only one I ever want to see.

When he said let there be light, I think he meant let there be you.

G. HUANG

oh, the trains

The streets are empty, so is what’s left of me. But I tried. But I listened. But I looked back once. There is a beating heart in the palm of my hands and I’m the one who held it there, closely, softly, easy now, easy, but it still broke. It still broke and I heard nothing but the cracks for days. For days. For months. I didn’t hear it enough, did I? I never felt like I did.

I remember an ocean. A boat. I think I didn’t learn to stay afloat. I swam, I think. No, I drowned. Did I blink? When I reached the shore, I could see it from afar. But I did nothing but place pebbles in my mouth. I wonder. I wondered. Did you?

Come in. It’s a little cramped. I never knew how to clean after myself. But it’s here somewhere. I know it. I wouldn’t have gotten rid of it. I know I wouldn’t. It’s here, I swear. I swear trust me, it’s still here. Is it?

There is not a single blinking star tonight. That’s not fair. He was not fair. I did it for you. I did it all for you. At least that’s what I tell myself. I did it in the name of how mercifully I stumbled. But he didn’t have to take away the stars. But if he gave it to you, then I guess I don’t mind.

It was what mattered the most. It was. Maybe he was right to take it away from me.

G. HUANG

favor & grace

You. Yes, you. I’ve always seen you with your head held up high, strutting the hallway like it’s built under your name. I watch from afar as you claim the ground beneath your feet like it is your own. I am in awe at what you have become. But who are you?

Who are you when there are no more cameras flashing? Who are you when no one listens in the room? When your voice falters, do you always raise it louder? When your hands begin to shake, why do you need to hide it behind your back?

You. Oh, yes. You. You can do everything you’ve ever dreamed of. But why don’t you want to?

G. HUANG